foster care nonsense in pop culture

I obviously don't own this image. It's from the ABC show "Once Upon a Time."

I don't watch much live television. I'm a Netflix and Amazon Prime binge watcher.  And while I used to watch a lot of new movies, parenting doesn't leave me as much time for the theater anymore. We RedBox whatever looks interesting! This is my excuse for why some of my references below may seem dated to people who watch current TV and have twelve movie ticket stubs in their coat pocket.

Foster care comes up occasionally in pop culture. What I've noticed is that I'm usually the bad guy -- "I" meaning the foster parent. If the foster parents aren't the bad guys, the social workers are.  My concern with this is that when Hollywood only portrays foster parents and social workers as family-destroying, child-stealing, money-hungry abusers, they're making it harder to inspire and recruit loving, self-sacrificing people to make the system better for the kids.

Here are some examples...

Once Upon a Time

Up front, I love this show. However, since foster care, adoption, and parenting are HUGE themes in this show, there are way too many things entirely wrong from my perspective. I will summarize that an adoptive mom is literally the Evil Queen and that a perfectly healthy white baby girl is apparently thrown around from home to home with no one willing to adopt her, leaving her an emotionally scarred adult. Oh, but before that, after years of this instability, she moves in with a family in her teens and after two weeks is perfectly adjusted, calling the adults "mom" and "dad." I guess that's all just part of the fantasy of the show?

Longmire

In an episode titled "Dog Soldier," social workers are stealing children from a Native American reservation to somehow collect federal money that comes to the group home caring for them. I read a quote about this episode that said something like, "This depiction of foster care is about as accurate as the way Dirty Harry portrays law enforcement." The history of Native American kids being taken from their homes and communities is obviously horrendous, but from what I've read, there may now be far more cases of government over-correction that leaves kids endangered than cases of government over-reaching. One interesting element of this episode is, despite a corrupt group home housing most of the kids, there is one very good foster family who is earnestly trying to help a young boy.

Despicable Me

The woman in charge of the group home is the problem here. A weird, single man shows up and asks to adopt three young girls and they are immediately sent there to spend the night? Um... No. No. No.

Blue Bloods

There have been a couple of weak portrayals of foster care in this otherwise outstanding series. The one that bothered me the most was a child whose mother and father were both killed. The next morning, someone in the precinct had "started adoption paperwork" because "no family had stepped forward." Whoa. Yeah, your timeline is off by about 2 years there. Simmer down, Sergeant.

Anne of Green Gables

Have to include this classic in the list! Obviously, since it's set in a historical context, I don't really know how much was true then that would be different now. But I will say that if you are a foster parent, it might be a good idea to discuss the themes of this story before just turning it on for your kids. 

Free Willy

Same as above. I remember loving this movie as a kid, but the beginning made my six-year-old cry, and we had to turn it off. I hadn't remembered that the beginning shows the young boy lying, stealing, and running away from foster care. Ultimately, the foster parents end up as good guys, but it may be worth giving your kids a heads up.

The Book Thief

I'm currently reading this, so I don't think I can comment prematurely. But I'm not a fan of the foster mom being an evil, screaming monster.  Foster dad thus far is admirable.

As I've said before, I know there are terrible people doing evil things in this system that is set up to protect children.  I won't pretend that foster care or adoption are perfect solutions with a red bow on top. Far from it -- I know the system is dramatically broken.  My point is that it will not help us bring GOOD people into the role of foster parent when we are only portrayed in pop culture as the bad guys.

i can't see the stars

Something sad is happening in my life right now. Everyone wants to know what they can do to help. The truth is, since there's nothing you can do to change it, there's nothing you can do. 

But then... there's also everything you can do. The best offer I get is from the people who say they're praying for us and mean it. Not the people who say it because it's tradition, but the people who do it. The best moments of my hard days are the moments I get a text saying "how can I pray for you right now?" or "I'm just checking in with you" or "do you need anything today?"

When I know someone is praying for me, the room is full again. I don't feel that I'm alone in this dark cave. I imagine myself in those moments, kneeling with that friend at the foot of the Throne of Grace, just pouring out my heart. These are the friends who gets me through angry moments -- the friends who take my hand and quietly walk me to Jesus.

I don't usually feel helpless, but this week, I'm the guy in Mark 2 and my friends and family are like, "Listen, I will carry you and dig a hole in a roof with my bare hands to make sure you can see Jesus today."

Man, I have the most incredible people in my life! Friends who do not leave me alone. Sisters who will listen when I uncharacteristically swear a lot because I'm feeling furious and helpless and out-of-control and bittersweet and scared and confused but also trying SO HARD to have faith.

Listen, I don't want to over-dramatize the issues happening in my life.  I know there are people out there who would consider my problems 'small,' and in the scope of what others are facing, they'd be right. But in my life, it's everything right now. It's every moment and every breath.

The good news is that my ship is not rudderless. I'm not riding out the waves of this storm aimlessly.  I'm not alone.  I can't see the stars to navigate, but the good news is Heaven can still see me.  And I trust that wherever this ship is going, the arrival port is the right destination.

abortion, foster care, rape, and keeping my mouth shut

So, I guess when people are publicly posting on Facebook, I'm allowed to publicly re-post their nonsense, right? (I'm not using their names at least, although, I doubt they'd be ashamed of themselves.) A friend of mine posted an interesting article about abortion, citing the rights of females -- namely, the unborn ones who were being annihilated. Somehow, the discussion turned into how I am a rapist. Yes, you read that right. They didn't use my name, but apparently foster parents are in it to rape kids. Think I'm kidding? Here are a few of the most *interesting* comments that people posted. Again, to clarify, this wasn't some public pro-choice forum, this was a friend of mine, who happens to have a rather unique perspective on the matter due to her own history as a sixteen-year-old mom.

I get people are against abortions, on the flip side I have seen the malnourished abused result of children who were unwanted initially but religion and family forbade abortion and adoption. Then with what's been in the paper with kids in the foster system being abused, raped , murdered OR ALL THREE, you have to see that sending your kid to an underfunded program like DHS isn't a better option. It is the righteousness of the rich (and yes if you can work, afford your roof over your head and feed your family you are rich) to oppose abortion and the burden of the poor to deal with the consequences.

My thoughts on this... Where to begin? The idea that the life ahead will be difficult can justify murder is basically the entire concept of euthanasia, only without the patient ever agreeing to the "mercy killing." Seems awfully monstrous to me... Mrs. Jones has cancer, so we'll just kill her because the decline would be painful. What does Mrs. Jones think? Oh, her opinion doesn't matter.

What??

Furthermore, while I agree that the foster care system is a general disaster, I don't believe that the primary outcome is each child's rape and murder.  Are you really so committed to your opinion that you are willing to sweepingly accuse 415,000 American foster parents of raping and murdering children?

I understand the way you feel, I just ask you soften your heart and look at the whole picture, not just a fetus that was unwanted will be cared for by no one...

"Unwanted and cared for by no one." Great, it's nice to meet you, I'm "no one!" I will care for that child, and others like me will as well.  (At least the 414,999 of us that aren't rapist/murderers.)

Additionally, I resent your implication that all women who have abortions view a child as "unwanted." What about the women who are uninformed, forced to abort, or confused/tricked by a racist, abortion-minded culture that is trying to eliminate people 'like them'? (Yes, I went there. It's the truth, and the racism in the abortion industry is mind-bendingly awful.) 

Plenty of women who have abortions have other children, already or will in the future, and it's heartless of you to accuse them of being uncaring. Many abortion-minded women earnestly believe they have no other choice, and many fall victim to the lies that have been repeated to them over and over and over.

...if you want to fix the system or help, I can give you numbers to go volunteer drug addicted newborns whose heroine using mothers cannot care for them.

Oh! You have my number! Neat! Yes, as a foster parent, I have cared for a baby born addicted to cocaine. So thanks for the offer, but I'm pretty sure you have NO IDEA what you are talking about. Yes, the cuddling program I think you're referring to does exist, but it is a wildly temporary solution. The system doesn't need more people who have an hour a month to drop-in and drop-out (or worse yet, people who think only of themselves until they are running their mouths online spouting vitriol and hatred). The system needs more people who ACTUALLY CARE and want to commit their lives (not their words) to helping others.

I know it sounds cruel to just say "murder a baby". We all know what this world like~ an unloved unwanted child who is bounced around from foster homes and left on the worlds door step at 18 is not a healthy life option either. 

Again, with the "unloved and unwanted" lie. Stop it! Stop it! You shriek that WE are judgmental for seeking to preserve life while at the same time vilely condemning all abortion-minded women as literal monsters who won't want or love their children or would boot them to the curb at the first opportunity. Do you not hear your own hypocrisy?  There are so, so, so, so few women who have abortions that believe that they are "with child." The lies that prey on them are specifically perpetuated to convince them that 'what' is within them is not a life. Why would ultrasounds be such an effective deterrent to abortion if the women already believed this was a child inside them? The truth is that they have been convinced by the lies of Planned Parenthood (and so-called feminists) that it isn't a human life. The child is NOT unloved and unwanted as you so self-righteously declare. The child has been hidden, lied about, and cloaked behind confusing and misleading medical language in order to prey on vulnerable, scared, and usually economically fragile women.

Bleh. I hate this topic, and I resent that my life and my choices are used to justify an evil of this magnitude. I did keep my mouth shut (or fingers still) on Facebook, because there's no winning an argument against anyone (particularly a stranger) who disagrees with the entire worldview that forms your opinion. Especially when you're typing!  But I'm still addressing it here to fight the idiocy of people who use the brokenness of the foster care system as a justification for abortion.

foster parent wish list

I don't know where the line to qualify as a "veteran foster parent" is, but I'm sure I'm not there.  Still, I've read a bunch of these kinds of lists written by foster parent bloggers, so I'm adding my thought-socks to the laundry pile.

Here's what foster momma would like from you...

1. Listen when she talks, but don't give her suggestions unless you understand the situation. "Have you tried using apricots to help him poo?" is a great any-mom tip. "Did you tell the judge that he's constipated?" is probably the place where you've enter an area you know nothing about.  So, just listen if she complain and tell her you're praying for God to be glorified in the situation.

2. Ask her what's going on without offering commentary on what you think is best.  "Did the judge say you can keep him yet?" isn't exactly hiding what you think.  Try, "How are things going?" or "Have you heard anything new?" She wants to know that you care, but frame it in a way that isn't smashing her instep on a Lego.

3. Please make her the "foster parents" instead of him the "foster child", "foster son", or "foster kid".  Can he just be a regular ol' kid and she'll be the weird one: the foster momma? Please label her instead of him. 

4. Don't tell her that you know what God's plan is. His plan is good. Period. What you think is good may not be his plan. Also, not using words but smugly nodding with a wink wink nudge nudge is the same thing.

5. Actually pray for her family, and if she gives you a specific request, follow up so she knows you listened and care.

6. Yes, she want meals and babysitting and laundry folders and dish-doers if her family get a new placement.  She didn't birth a baby but she does have 4,392 people in her home doing evaluations this week plus 223 doctor's appointments tomorrow and three supervised visits today. And everybody's gotta eat.

7. Don't judge his birth parents. Just don't. You don't know anything, and she's not going to tell you. Stop judging, because it wouldn't matter if a T-Rex and Cleopatra were his parents. 

8. Children have ears. Don't ask complicated or sensitive questions in front of kids: foster kid, biological kid, neighbor kid, your own kid. They are all corn; they all have ears. Wait for privacy. In the same vein, though, explain what her family does to your own kids in age-appropriate language. You may think they're too young to understand, but so are the kids she's parenting. Choose the difficult road that leads to enlightening your own family to truth.  And then work together when the awkward kid-question moments come (because they will), and that's ok. Focus on safe.  Kids can understand what "safe" feels like, and that's usually enough for the little ones.

9. Stop telling her she's a good person for doing this.  Just stop it.  You can tell her she smells good or her hair looks nice or that her words were a creative use of discipline techniques or that she is giving this child a great period of safety in his life but, for goodness sake, please stop telling her she's a good person for doing this.  You mean well, but she wants to punch you in the throat.  Seriously. Stop it.

10. Love these children.  Smile. Laugh. Hug. Play. Hold. Help. Reach. Snuggle. Love these children. Love them so much. Love them like Jesus does. 

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What is Family?

My family has always been my world: my parents and sisters, then my husband, and now my sons, too. Growing up, my cousins were my best friends, and Matt and I hope our kids will someday say the same.  I am very close with my Pop-Pop (the last grandparent for me), my in-laws, and several of my aunts and uncles. 

Matt and I are also blessed to have friends that have become another level of family.  (We've already made zombie apocalypse plans with these guys, so look for the band of us in matching t-shirts should the worst happen.)  

All of these people love me, love Matt, and love my children.  They've walked awful roads with us, holding hands, holding me, praying.  They are a united front that keep me from ever thinking, "I'm alone in this."  They make me laugh harder than is really responsible, and trash talk me during board games.  

Family is the central focus of The Senator's Youngest Daughter.  I'm blessed to have written about a loving family, committed parents, and a faithful husband from personal experience.  The truth that many people may see this and wonder if families are still like that... but I assure you, by the grace of Jesus, mine is.  

To be honest, when people say something like, "My family fights, but any of them would take a bullet for me," I sort of cringe.  Is that what love looks like?  I might take a bullet for a stranger in a certain situation, but I wouldn't live in happy, cooperative, supportive relationship with someone I didn't like.  Family should be both -- the sudden, passionate, explosive love that calls you to action and the steady, mundane, just-another-Tuesday plodding love that fits and feels comfortable.