I was his mommy once.

Real mom. Biological mom. Birth mom.

Foster mom. Resource mom. Adoptive mom.

We put labels on people like me. Over the last eleven years, I have been a mother to eight children, but only three children live in my house with me at the present time. What does it mean to be “mom” temporarily? Or to share the title “mom” with someone else? It’s complicated.

Well-meaning foster care supervisors will often tell foster parents to let a child pick what they want to call you. “Mom” or “dad” can be a loaded term, after all; best to let the child do what feels safe. But while that’s fine for a second grader or a tenth grader, that doesn’t really fit the bill for a child living in your house from 33 hours old until 33 months old, hearing other children call you “mommy” the whole time.

I remember specifically the first time a child who was not destined to be with me forever called out for me by that precious name. “Mommy!” I remember because I burst into tears. I was keenly aware of all she (his first mom) was missing. How heart-wrenching that she didn’t get to witness his initial yell of “mommy” – and how strange that it wasn’t for her.

How was I so lucky to be the object of this child’s love? To be the bearer of his trust?

One of the best quotes I’ve heard related to foster or adoptive parenting comes from Jody Landers, the author of Love What Matters. She writes, “A child from another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.”

Being a mom is about more than praying for a child, helping with homework, wiping noses, bath time, laundry, meals, and kissing boo-boos. Those are the actions of motherhood, but to be Mommy is about heart. And that first mother’s heart has not failed in any case I’ve seen: not in the cases where a child has been reunited with a first mother, and not in the case where I have become forever mommy. Despite circumstances, despite overwhelming challenges, despite difficulties I cannot imagine—it has been a privilege to share being mommy with these women.

The mother of a special guy who was with us for quite a long time has brought him back to visit us several times. My heart is full to see their thriving family. She has always been his mommy, and I’m just Kelley now. But I was his mommy once, too.

Helping Young Children Memorize Scripture

Everyone learns differently. You may be familiar with the famous cartoon that shows a classroom with a monkey, a fish, and an elephant as students. The teacher says that to make sure grades are fair, everyone will get the same test: climb a nearby tree. Lucky monkey!

While it may seem obvious, we all have different natural abilities and, as such, different ‘extra-effort-required’ areas. Memorization may come easily for your child: Bible passages flow from the tongue after only a few repeats. But this isn’t always the case. Here are some strategies I’ve found to be helpful as our children pursue hiding God’s Word in their hearts.

1)     Repetition. It seems fairly obvious, but repetition is important, particularly for non-readers. If you have a different verse for each day of the month or even in a week, that’s likely too much time for a child to recall words. Stick with the same verse for a week or two, until it’s really in there. Find a habit. We do our verses at the breakfast table, every day. If you intend to just ‘fit it in’—you won’t.

2)     Understanding. Words are just words if the child doesn’t understand what they’re learning. Simplification isn’t necessary. They can learn ‘transgression’ in the passage as long as you explain it means ‘sin’—otherwise they’re just making sounds. Explain once or twice, but ask them frequently to make sure they are recalling.

3)     Don’t worry about the reference. I know, every Sunday school teacher from here to Canada just fainted, but truly, I can always sense my son’s frustration when he’s trying to remember Ecclesiastes or Ephesians, First or Second Peter, 118:1 or 1:18. I often cue with, “It’s your turn with Psalm 34:8-13,” and let them begin. This way they hear the reference each time, but I don’t require recall on that. Remember, it’s the words that God gave us. The ‘addresses’ are man-made additions to help us look it up (and we DO have Google for that now).

4)     Work in passages instead of single verses. Longer seems harder, right? But it frequently isn’t. A kid may need a starter word here and there to get from one thought to the next in a series of verses, but a complete passage provides context and a single train of thought. A child can also often catch onto the rhythm of the words, adding an extra memory trigger. Bonus: kids gain a huge sense of accomplishment when they recite all of Psalm 100 or all of Psalm 23.

5)     Songs, motions and rhythm. Get your child’s body engaged with their mind: muscle memory is real. Pointing up for ‘God’ and to their mouth for ‘words’ will help them sequence the phrases they are learning. Say or sing the verse each time with the same rhythm and inflections to help your child establish a thought pattern with the words. Bum-da-da-DA-dum, ba-da-da-DA. It sticks.

6)     Repetition. See what I did there? Come back to passages approximately every three weeks. We stick with a new section for about that long, and rotate in previously learned passages about two days of the week. This allows past verses to stay fresh without an overwhelming time commitment each day.

On the day I give their A+ and we call a passage ‘hidden in our heart’, it’s picture-perfect. But usually, when we come back to it for our first review, things get a little mixed up. But I don’t lose heart—I offer help in the form of whatever motions, rhythm, or cue words we used. More often than not, the correct memories wake up, and the words come tumbling out.

"boy, you have your hands full"

A lady at the grocery store must have felt my two boys were being too loud today because she gave me 'the eyeball' and said, "Boy, you have your hands full. I hope they still nap."

Hmm.

What 8-year-old naps, lady? And, also, mind your business.

I do not have my hands full. This is, in fact, the lightest my hands have been since I became a mother 8 years ago. I had just the one newborn, then, and I may have thought my hands were full, but they were not. Because shortly thereafter, I was pregnant and had a toddler. But still, my hands were not full.

Two years later, we were a foster family and I was parenting four-under-four. Yes, I had a 3-year-old, an 11-month-old, a 4-month-old, and a newborn. Ok, that was PRETTY close to full, I'll admit... The issue there was that I hadn't thought through what three non-walkers meant. I'll tell you what it meant: it meant wearing one baby while pushing a double stroller LITERALLY EVERYWHERE.

More recently, for three and a half years, I had three boys. Loud, boisterous, energetic, silly, prone-to-running-and-swordfighting BOYS. They started out as a 5-month-old, a two-year-old, and a five-year-old. But, as children are known to do, they grew up. They were 3, 5, and 8 years old when that stage of our lives ended this summer. 

So, lady with the judgmental eyes, I do not have my hands full. I would venture to say that none of us do. None of us are doing enough. Few of us are really giving all we can to help others.

Someday soon, my hands will open wide again and more children will be in my family. Today is not that day for us, as today we are healing. But trust me, that day will come. 

Some stranger will see me pushing a double stroller, or holding a baby with one hand while I scold a toddler, or corralling a bunch of preschoolers. And the stranger may think (perhaps keeping their thoughts to themselves), "her hands are full."

But my hands will not be full. Because there is always room for us to do more.

no parent left behind

We did a seminar at church today, and I find it helps me remember to re-hash the information in writing. (Typing is writing, right?) So here are my jumbled-up notes from a really informative and well-read speaker, Dr. Walt Mueller from CPYU. 

Technology

• As a parent, you can engage with media to be aware instead of engaging for it to guide you

• Learn Dual Listening – between the Word and the world – how to discern which of Christ’s riches are need most and how to present them in their best light

• Mental health needs in kids are on the rise due in part to the extreme dependence on devices: isolation, depression, anxiety, lack of ability to communicate

Authority and Morality

• Our culture's "no authority" leads to "no respect" which leads to "no morality"

• Relationships will always be louder than culture.

• Age aspiration, age compression, and age extension: beyond the stewardship of your body, but a hyper focus on it, turning to idolatry

• Interesting fact: Adult brain activity occurs in the front (reasoning and planning) while adolescent thinking occurs in the center (pleasure and rewards)

• Today's culture is expressive individualism – I am the highest authority. “Follow your heart.”

Influence

• Control in young kids... influence in older kids

• The biggest lie Satan speaks to us and to our kids is... “Did God really say…?"

• Look for other trusted adults who will speak the same truths to your children.

• Setting your own heart right

• Presenting a testimony instead of just instructing (this is what the Lord has done for me...)

i'm that mom now

I'm mostly a work-at-home-mom, but I do a few hours a week at a client's office. Last week, I was coming back from there in my work clothes (sans kids) and stopped at the grocery store. I was in line behind a young mom, likely a first timer. Her baby was about five months old and happily chilling with a squishy toy. Nonetheless, the mom was constantly chattering with her and shaking other toys, trying to distract her from... I'm not sure what. But she was doing the newbie thing where you're afraid a crying fit is always a split second away and you try to head it off instead of the third-time-around mom who seizes any moment of calm to reheat your tea and poo in privacy. 

I suddenly had to fight the urge to tell her "yesssssssss, enjoy this, it goes so quickly." I almost said it! WHAT IS HAPPENING? Like two hours ago, my oldest was born, and moms everywhere infuriated me with that exact phrase everywhere we went. But then you have other kids and you can't enjoy the tiny baby stuff because you are also overjoyed by the toddler milestones and then the writing and the spelling and the reading and the generalized knowing-of-things that amaze you.

How did I blink and switch sides? How was I (almost) the unsolicited advice giver instead of the unsolicited advice receiver?

It does go fast, darn it. Google Photos has this hideously charming feature where it automates a video every few months of your kids and sends you a link to watch a video they set to sappy music and call "They Grow So Fast."  HUSH IT, GOOGLE, I ALREADY KNOW! 

Sigh.

I'm potty training Lil Man right now (I mean, he's not participating in any way, but you know, we sit him on the toilet several times a day) -- and I'm recognizing that it does change. I will be the mom who can take my kids to an amusement park and have fun. I will be able to play a board game with my children that I also enjoy. I will someday proofread an essay! I cannot WAIT for that. But I also want to remind myself to "enjoy this while it lasts, it goes fast." 

I will kiss that tiny chin. I will sniff that bummie to see if it needs clean pants. I will smoosh those cheeks. I will build Legos endlessly. I will play Star Wars for 6,974 hours a day. I will hot glue the heck of out the Lincoln Memorial model my second grader is making.

I will enjoy this beautiful mess. It does go fast! They were all right. All those moms at the grocery store, grandmas at WalMart... Annoying but right.

why i love early intervention

Are there other moms out there who have been blessed by Early Intervention? It's been awesome for us. We've had three different "types" of therapists over the last three years -- physical therapy (PT), speech therapy, and occupational therapy (OT).

(Occupational therapy, according to kidshealth.org, helps kids with various needs improve their cognitive, physical, sensory, and motor skills and enhance their self-esteem and sense of accomplishment. I define this because I had to ask when someone suggested it.)

In Pennsylvania, Early Intervention is a free service -- yes, free -- offered through the county that comes to your house -- yes, to your house -- to offer professional services to kids under age 3.  For someone who already drives to a lot of appointments, it's life-changing. All you have to do is be home (and dressed).

EI therapists work with your life.  They're in your house, so the therapist might include playing with the dog to get your kid to move around. They might include looking in your snack cabinet to get them to talk. Our therapists play in our backyard, look at our flowers, follow lil man up and down our stairs. Obviously, a kid will be most comfortable on his own turf. So the best results we've gotten have all been from familiar toys and familiar spaces. (And without me having to entertain anyone in a waiting room beforehand!)

EI works with the parent. I constantly joke to our visitors that they are really there to coach me. They aren't trying to get their little patient to make the complicated "z" sound in a single hour. They are teaching ME as the mom how to get my kid to make the complicated "z" sound over the next two weeks.  They are smart enough to recognize that an hour every week or every two weeks isn't going to cut it -- you as the parent are there 24/7. So their job is to help you do what you do (parenting) in the best way possible to help your kid get more experience in overcoming whatever their difficulty is.

Since we had three different therapists (from three different providers), you might think there would be confusion. But no! Because wait, there's more! You also get a great case manager! This wonderful gal calls me to get updates on progress and comes (again, to my house) every few months to do a check-in and see what else they can offer. We set goals, and then we actually meet them! I really can't put into words the feeling when you once made a goal of your child turning their head equally on both sides to offset NICU neck and then you blink and you're checking OFF a goal that says your child is putting together 3-4 word sentences. What a change! 

These therapists make me a better mom. It's idea after idea and tip after tip. On any given day, we're sitting, eating lunch, while our therapist talks casually and offers suggestions that fit the moment. "He might be having trouble feeling that in his mouth since it's room temperature, maybe add something crunchy." Boom.  "That might be easier for him with increased lung capacity; why don't you get some feathers or some pom-poms and make a game of him blowing them across the table?" Boom. [Side note, funniest game over if you're willing to wipe up a lot of spittle afterwards.]

Those are just two examples of a thousand suggestions that have been game-changers for us.  These awesome women have helped with a wild and amazing transformation.