Fatherhood and foster care

‘Fatherhood’ is the only answer I give when people ask what will fix what I often call the ‘broken’ foster care system. While better judges, faster timelines, and addressing caseworker burnout may help ease some of the stress on the overburdened American foster care system, it won’t fix anything. The only thing that will? Dads.

If you can’t trust me from experience, check out these incredible stats on the importance of fathers. The very long list includes that children who grow up without a father are 4x more likely to be in poverty, 2x more likely to drop out of high school, and—perhaps the most disturbing—7x more likely to become pregnant as a teen [1].

What happened to fatherhood?

The U.S. Census Bureau says 1 in 3 children in America live without a father. In fact, from 1960 to 2016, the percentage of children living with only their mother nearly tripled from 8 to 23 percent [2]. Unfortunately, emphasizing any differences (i.e. improvements) a dad brings to a child’s life leaves you at risk of becoming the enemy of the Big Abortion Political Machine in our country.

But, wait. Why would the abortion industry want to diminish the role of fathers?

Here’s their rub: if the country begins to admit that dads offer a worthwhile contribution to parenthood, we inch closer to giving dads rights to their unborn children. Keep in mind that the Supreme Court has ruled that fathers have no rights when it comes to their unborn children. Even requiring a spouse's consent for a married woman's abortion is unconstitutional (Planned Parenthood v. Danforth), they say, and the unborn child’s father doesn’t even have to be notified after one occurs (Planned Parenthood v. Casey).

A big reason there are half a million children in the American foster care system is to protect abortion.

Seems counter-intuitive, right? If ‘unplanned’ or ‘unwanted’ pregnancies are ended, there should be fewer ‘unprepared’ or ‘unequipped’ parents, right? Shouldn’t there be fewer kids who need foster care? (I say this only to repeat the line I’ve heard from others, not intending to give credence to the disturbing idea that a child is better off dead in the womb than living in foster care.) Unfortunately for the witty-rally-sign-writers, that isn’t the case. Yes, I’m pleased to know that the abortion rate in the United States is at its lowest since 1973 [3]. But even though non-permanent contraception use has increased [4] (and while the overall rate of contraceptive use exceeds 60% [5]), unplanned pregnancies still account for nearly half (45% or 2.8 million) of the 6.1 million pregnancies in the United States each year [6]. Bottom line: we hand out condoms at high schools, the government pays for birth control pills, and we encourage abortion-on-demand, but the rate of children in foster care continues to increase [7]. (Side note, if you’ve read the so-called “Romania case study” about how abortion bans lead to overwhelmed orphanages, please read this.)

Let me explain.

Abortion is big business. Allowing fathers the right to preserve their unborn children would put a huge roadblock in the way of this cash cow. So, abortion has been labelled a ‘women’s rights issue’ to silence men from having a fair voice in the future of their child’s life.

Unfortunately, because this movement loudly labels fatherhood as obsolete to protect abortion, they are also eroding the reality of American fatherhood and hurting kids who need daddies and other male figures in their lives today. Remember the stat above that children who grow up without a father are four times more likely to live in poverty? Sobering. And the last large-scale study related to fatherhood and foster care found that more than half of children in foster care came from single, female-headed households [8]. The media screams that we can redefine a ‘family,’ but the ‘family’ simply doesn’t work as well without dad.

Even if a mother choses to make an adoption plan for her unborn child, dads can be dramatically shortchanged by an obscure law. Did you know there’s a system in most states called a paternity registry? Probably not. But since NO state requires a pregnant, unmarried woman to report the name of her child’s father, registering in this system (that almost no one knows about) is the only way a biological father can be guaranteed to receive notification or a voice in court [9]. In other words, a dad could be fully prepared to raise his child, but if his girlfriend changes her mind, she can give birth and legalize his child’s adoption without even telling him. (This is Christopher Emanuel’s story.)

The talk of toxic masculinity and the (necessary) #MeToo movement are making it difficult to talk positively about men these days, but we need to be willing to discuss the possibility that the breakdown of the family—and the removal of a consistent, positive male role model—is what is causing a lot of our country’s problems. We need to be willing to address that the lack of fatherhood has led to tidal waves of children overwhelming the American foster care system.

If you think I’m only talking about the kids today, it’s bigger than that. I’m talking about the kids thirty, twenty, and fifteen years ago. I’m talking about the kids RAISED without dads in the 90s and 2000s who are now semi-adults or adults. I’m talking about the girl who was raised by a single mom and is now a mom of teens herself. I’m talking about the boy who was raised without ever seeing a role model of what successful manhood looks like [10]. I’m talking about the child two, three, and four generations into the hijacking of feminism who was raised by a single woman who was raised by a single woman… We’re oceans deep into no-daddies-necessary, and it’s drowning us.

The only thing that will fix foster care on a large scale is the acknowledgement of God’s design and admitting that:

1. having a father in the home statistically improves children’s lives, and

2. a stable, loving family is the ideal place to raise a child.

The solution to fixing the foster care system is the long-term, systematic promotion of positive fatherhood.

[1] https://www.fatherhood.org/fatherhood-data-statistics

[2] https://www.census.gov/newsroom/press-releases/2016/cb16-192.html

[3] https://www.guttmacher.org/news-release/2017/us-abortion-rate-continues-decline-hits-historic-low

[4] Long-acting reversible contraceptive (LARC) methods, including the IUD and implant  https://www.guttmacher.org/article/2017/10/contraceptive-method-use-united-states-trends-and-characteristics-between-2008-2012

[5] https://www.guttmacher.org/news-release/2017/overall-contraceptive-use-united-states-remained-steady-2008-2014

[6] https://www.guttmacher.org/fact-sheet/unintended-pregnancy-united-states

[7] https://www.acf.hhs.gov/media/press/2017/number-of-children-in-foster-care-continues-to-increase

[8] National Study of Protective, Preventive, and Reunification Services, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

[9] https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/07/paternity-registry/396044/

[10] I want to clarify that a Christian, two-parent family is not the ONLY possible circumstance to raise healthy kids, and I’m not advocating some sort of mandated two-parent household where widows and widowers lose their children. And I’m certainly not suggesting that a single mother should ever, EVER EVER stay with an abusive father.

Circling Jericho

Today is my son's 999th day in foster care. You might think I'm kidding, but I have an online calendar running. 1,000 days tomorrow since we became his "resource parents," as the state says.

I was eight days behind on my kids' advent calendar (A Jesse Tree handmade by a dear friend of mine that traces the lineage of Christ), so this morning was the story of Joshua.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table, stressing about testifying in court.... all the while, reading and I'm telling my kids about how the Israelites were in the same situation!  (Ok, not the same, but keep reading.) They were facing a problem (Jericho) with an obvious solution from a human perspective, but GOD told them to use His way instead.

His way was six long days, silently marching... boring, plodding along in what seemed like purposeless steps -- walking in circles.  And then on the last day, MORE CIRCLES!

But the children of Israel (for once?) obeyed. On the seventh day, after all their circling, He showed them TODAY IS THE DAY I HAVE PICKED. He said NOW SHOUT, and they SHOUTED! It was HIS PLAN IN HIS TIMING.

So as hard as today was, and as much as I wanted conclusion/closure/an answer, I need you to know that I was eight days behind on my advent calendar that a friend made me four years ago so that God could encourage me that WALKING IN CIRCLES can be part of His plan.

So here we go.

Sing Vanessa Carlton with me... You know I'd walk a thousand miles... in circles.

I will not go back to Egypt

Bible study prep for tonight was so good for me. We're studying Hebrews, and this week, looking at chapters 5 and 6. Hebrews is all about the supremacy of Christ, but there are so many Old Testament connections. The author of the study book (Matthew Capps) noted, "Many have experienced the blessings of the new covenant yet spiritually 'turn back to Egypt.'" Oh man! That's totally me.

I can sit here in 2017 and look down on the lack of faith exhibited by the children of Israel. They wandered around after refusing to enter the Promised Land, and had the nerve to say that they wished they were back in Egypt!  [Me: Looks down nose at them.] But, honestly, here I am, wishing in my own way to go back to Egypt. [Me: Looks down nose at me.]

For me, Egypt is sulking. Egypt is being angry. Egypt is shaking my fist and self-righteously saying I know best.  Egypt is telling God that his plan is slow and kind of crappy.

In Hebrews (as most of the Bible), Egypt represents being out of God's will. It is a place where the Israelites experienced no freedom. Yet, every time I experience a setback in my life (as was the case this week), I am tempted to turn around. Run back to the familiar. Swim the Red Sea I once saw parted by the mighty hand of God. Go back to carrying my bricks, mixing mud, and suffering under the hard taskmaster of my terrible attitude.

The challenge is to press forward and keep wandering. If wandering is the plan for now, then wandering is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Not to be all JRR Tolkien on you, but "not all who wander are lost." Maybe there is a design in the wandering... I have previously blogged about being in the wilderness, and today's lesson was such a good reminder that the wilderness is ok. Manna is ok. Great, in fact. Fulfilling. I need to remember that the temptation to 'go back to Egypt' is a lie -- there is no peace, no happiness, no freedom, in returning to my old ways. 

Lord, help me press on in faith! I will not return to Egypt.

god is in the small things

I was really upset about my son's blanket getting lost the other day. It was a big deal, only it wasn't. Except it really was. It matters because he matters. I shared my trouble with my sister-in-law who grabbed her golden lasso and laced up her boots to save the day. What a blessing this woman is to me!

I will let these images speak for themselves. (Sorry for all the blurring to protect identities.)

So she posts this to a mama group. Eight minutes later, a woman who told us later she hadn't been on the group in months "happened" to click to see what was up. And the exact blanket was in her closet!

So she's sending it for free. Made my night! And then a half hour later, we found out we're getting a back up because another mama (who's also a foster mama) is sending me one, too! 

So just when I was having that moment where I feel like I'm the only person who cares for this sweet child that other see as a mountain of paperwork, God reminds me through the kindness of strangers that this kid is precious to Him. 

Always in God's hand. 

why i love early intervention

Are there other moms out there who have been blessed by Early Intervention? It's been awesome for us. We've had three different "types" of therapists over the last three years -- physical therapy (PT), speech therapy, and occupational therapy (OT).

(Occupational therapy, according to kidshealth.org, helps kids with various needs improve their cognitive, physical, sensory, and motor skills and enhance their self-esteem and sense of accomplishment. I define this because I had to ask when someone suggested it.)

In Pennsylvania, Early Intervention is a free service -- yes, free -- offered through the county that comes to your house -- yes, to your house -- to offer professional services to kids under age 3.  For someone who already drives to a lot of appointments, it's life-changing. All you have to do is be home (and dressed).

EI therapists work with your life.  They're in your house, so the therapist might include playing with the dog to get your kid to move around. They might include looking in your snack cabinet to get them to talk. Our therapists play in our backyard, look at our flowers, follow lil man up and down our stairs. Obviously, a kid will be most comfortable on his own turf. So the best results we've gotten have all been from familiar toys and familiar spaces. (And without me having to entertain anyone in a waiting room beforehand!)

EI works with the parent. I constantly joke to our visitors that they are really there to coach me. They aren't trying to get their little patient to make the complicated "z" sound in a single hour. They are teaching ME as the mom how to get my kid to make the complicated "z" sound over the next two weeks.  They are smart enough to recognize that an hour every week or every two weeks isn't going to cut it -- you as the parent are there 24/7. So their job is to help you do what you do (parenting) in the best way possible to help your kid get more experience in overcoming whatever their difficulty is.

Since we had three different therapists (from three different providers), you might think there would be confusion. But no! Because wait, there's more! You also get a great case manager! This wonderful gal calls me to get updates on progress and comes (again, to my house) every few months to do a check-in and see what else they can offer. We set goals, and then we actually meet them! I really can't put into words the feeling when you once made a goal of your child turning their head equally on both sides to offset NICU neck and then you blink and you're checking OFF a goal that says your child is putting together 3-4 word sentences. What a change! 

These therapists make me a better mom. It's idea after idea and tip after tip. On any given day, we're sitting, eating lunch, while our therapist talks casually and offers suggestions that fit the moment. "He might be having trouble feeling that in his mouth since it's room temperature, maybe add something crunchy." Boom.  "That might be easier for him with increased lung capacity; why don't you get some feathers or some pom-poms and make a game of him blowing them across the table?" Boom. [Side note, funniest game over if you're willing to wipe up a lot of spittle afterwards.]

Those are just two examples of a thousand suggestions that have been game-changers for us.  These awesome women have helped with a wild and amazing transformation.

in God's country

We're living in no man's land right now. The judge's decision that our son is to move away from us -- his foster family for these first 29 months of his life -- was made, but the change has yet to be implemented.

So here is this huge change, but then there is really no change at all. The "ultimatums" were cast and ignored; the promise of an out-of-character future was enough to seal the deal.

But now, three weeks later, we're still here.

There's no timeline, no calendar, just a never ending "soon."

Or not soon. I mean, how soon is soon? Soon in some industries is moments, minutes. Soon in the foster care system seems to be anytime between now and when a child turns 18.  Can there be a "stat"? Can there be a "hot off the press"? Can there be an "overnight"? 

Soon.

Well, here's what I do know: I know that I'm still mama. I know that I don't know what's coming. I know that I don't know what my own future holds any more than I know what the future holds for each of my sons. So I rest and I wait. And I hide my frustrations with the well-intentioned comments from people who don't know what else to say. Because I don't know what to say, and I get annoyed at my thoughts.

Here in no man's land, it seems to be a bad as the desert.  I'm still wandering, I'm still tired, I'm still hot with emotion, I'm still uncomfortable. I know what's coming, now, though, so I have the sad anticipation of what is soon to come.

Soon.

The good news is that desert, no-man's-land, or wherever else this journey takes me, I am still In God's Country.

The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it,
    the world, and all who live in it.

Psalm 24:1.