daddy isn't a babysitter

There's a weird element of family culture that bugs me. Maybe people don't talk about it, but it's sort of understood in certain circles. There's a weird idea floating around that in two-parent households, Mommy is The Parent, and if/when she's gone, Daddy steps in as The Babysitter.

Mommy does things a certain way. She's human. She knows her limits and her kids, so she's established systems of how things work.  Monday through Friday, the shoes are here, the cup is there, and we know at which stage of the routine we take that last-minute trip to the potty. Things aren't always smooth because of, well, humans, but we get it done by following point A to point B and so forth.

But then, it's Saturday and Daddy's home from work (or, more likely, Sunday and you're trying to be less than ten minutes late to church). The extra hands means everything's different. Kids are screaming, teeth are gnashing. I can't pee with my sneakers on!  I only drink milk in the Darth Vader cup! These are my brother's socks!

I do understand that kids respond to routine and habit, but as mothers -- and as people in general -- we need to be able to tell the difference between what's wrong and what's another way of doing things.  I'm not going to 'correct' my husband for putting a child's shoes on before he goes pee. (Logic: He does not take his shoes off before he pees anywhere else. I hope..) 

Mommy, don't be so ruled by your child that you begin to believe that it's reasonable for him/her to demand that ONLY you open his juice box.  Maybe you put the wings up and maybe Daddy bent the straw, but the message to your child that his/her father is incompetent is damaging.  That undermines not only his entire position as a father, as a leader, and as a man.

How will your kids ever believe that Daddy is the God-ordained head of the household if all they ever see is him deferring to Mommy on everything that matters to them? Do you think your kids tune into your discussions about finances or some topic where you are more readily willing to submit? Here's a hint: they do not. If you want your kids to see Biblical submission in a marriage modeled, they need to see it in a context that is in some way relevant to them. So chill out, Mommy, and don't communicate that Daddy is a sub-standard, fill-in Mommy. Let Daddy be Daddy. He's probably really good at it.

Raising Sexually Healthy Kids, part 2

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." If you grew up in the church like I did, you've heard Galatians 5:22-23 many times. My son even has a song to help him get in all the words in!

It's such a familiar truth that it can become trite. But there's a very important lesson here: your actions reflect what's inside you. So, what's inside your kids that's bearing out the fruit you see in daily life? This was the subject of Session 1 at Raising Sexually Healthy Kids.  

I took appx. 12 pages of notes at this conference, and I don't want to steal The Student Outreach's brilliant presentation or take credit for it as my own. However, I do want to present this groundwork as the basis for my own commentary and the lessons I picked up.  The entire session, which they called "Discovering: Looking Deeper Than the Fruit", was built around a tree metaphor:

• The seed is the heart

• The soil is the context

• The roots are our desires

• The trunk is your worldview

• The fruit is the behavior

So often, as parents, we get lost in the behavior. Some examples we heard:

I caught my daughter sending a sext, so I took her cell phone. Glad I fixed that!

My son was searching for pornography, so I put a tighter filter on our computer. I'm so relieved to not have to worry anymore!

But imagine... the tomatoes in my garden have blossom end rot, so I pulled off all the tomatoes. Problem solved! Crazy, right? Because you know the new tomatoes will grow in sick, too. The problem wasn't in the fruit; you have to address the cause.  But that gets dicey in parenting... what is the cause of this behavior? And how do I address a sin "sickness" in my kid that comes from the heart and is affected by so many internal and external variables?

Consider the heart. Genesis 8:21 paints a pretty clear picture: "The intention of man's heart is evil from his youth." But if our child's fallen heart is redeemed, he/she is a new creation. As parents, we must start here. There is no hope to help a child out of any sinful behavior, sexual or otherwise, until the heart is changed.  What a challenge for me as a mother to pray daily for my boys' salvation!

Consider the soil. So many things play into a child's life context. The presenter gave examples that specifically spoke to me as a foster parent. Trauma, family influences, appearance... children don't choose these, but the impact they have on their life cannot be overestimated. He also added a few things I found particularly profound. A child's physical characteristics and their talents or gifts might dramatically change their life. Imagine a boy's "life context" -- the way people react to him, the things he overhears people say, the coaches and teaches who become influential -- if he's an excellent dancer, gifted from the Lord to perform ballet, versus a boy who has been blessed with an excellent ability in math? Everything these kids hear, see, and feel form their context. Sometimes these are things that parents can't necessarily prevent (nor should we, in many cases), but they all affect how your child will view and experience the world.

A final note on context: a reminder that the local church can and should be part of my child's life context. This is a safe environment where they can grow and see many people modeling what a God-honoring life looks like.

Consider the roots. Man, when it comes to corralling desires, I always feel like Gollum: arguing with myself like a crazy person. Trying to convince myself something is ok when I know it's not, and then trying to be sneaky like I don't know what I'm planning! James 1:14-15 couldn't be more clear what happens when we give into sinful desires: "But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death." Death! Sounds hopeless, right? But no! The hope comes back to the seed again. Galatians 5:16: "Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." What fresh hope this gives me as a mother in this battle, knowing my kids have reinforcements when they are weakest.

Consider the trunk. What worldview are we presenting to our children? Does your daughter hear you say, "I need to lose weight" and watch you give your backend dirty looks in the mirror? Do your sons see you focusing on the cheerleaders when you watch football? You are shaping their worldview, and it matters.  The worldview we want our children to frame is one where God's glory is our ultimate life goal. We want them to understand their sin and their need for a Savior. We want them to see others as people to be loved and served. We want them to know they are loved and precious in God's sight.

Consider the fruit. Behavior is the focus of all our time, teaching, and lectures. Take the cell phone, but your daughter's desire to fulfill her need for attention, to feel loved and accepted isn't gone. Filter the internet but your son's desire for control, excitement, and release isn't remedied.  Don't start with the fruit. The behavior will change when the heart changes, and when we understand the context, worldviews, and desires that are warring within our children.

Next time, my notes on addressing the fear... "I am pretty screwed up myself and the world is insane around them, so how can I really help my kids?"

Conference was hosted by Westminster Presbyterian and presented by The Student Outreach on Saturday, January 21, 2016.

raising sexually healthy kids, part 1

On Saturday, we went to a conference entitled Raising Sexually Healthy Kids. Now, if you're like me, you think that sounds like a long name for a conference about how to put stuff on your computer to keep teenagers from accessing porn. Since our kids are young, I figured I would take a bunch of notes and revisit them when my sons turn... 21 and become interested in sex. (Ha.)

As it turned out, only one small session talked about actual computer/device protection, and the speaker admitted up-front that he was going to talk more about research and strategy in that session than actual techniques because, as he put it, "there are twelve new apps coming out as I'm saying these words and I can't possibly tell you how to analyze, block, or filter them all."  Good point. Things are changing fast!

I plan on blogging about this conference several times, so for today, I want to focus on two things: 

• The biggest stand-out point of the day

• Our first conversation with our son on this topic

What was my biggest takeaway from the day? My kids aren't too young to begin worrying researching, strategizing, and planning ways to protect them. As the speaker put it, "Your kids might not be looking for porn, but porn is looking for them." Sound dramatic? Maybe not. When I was six, no one handed me a book where half the pages were porn and half the pages were stories for me and walked away, hoping I wouldn't turn the wrong page accidentally. Meanwhile, I hand my kids a tablet or a phone and walk away, assuming they won't accidentally see something that isn't for them. Huge eye-opener when you realize the porn battle isn't to corral some wayward teenager but rather to protect the eyes, hearts, and mind of my very young sons. The enemy is out there and looking for ways to hurt them. (1 Peter 5:8)

In light of the realization that we're late to the party for this conversation, I wasn't sure how our first conversation with our six-year-old would go. Sexuality etc. is a topic that hasn't come up much at all, other than when we have privacy and body-safety conversations.  

One age-appropriate question suggested by the conference speaker was to ask a child his age about what it means to be a man or to be a woman. Now, you have to understand our all-boy household is full of Nerf darts, battleships, Darth Vader masks, and... well, a thousand wars a day fought with anything the boys can imagine to be a gun... they even fired their candy canes at each other at Christmas.  I did worry, honestly, what my son's impression of masculinity would be. I kind of didn't want to ask. 

But I did. We sat down, and my husband and I started off by vaguely pointing out that boys and girls are different and our bodies were made differently.  Our son noted a few things like men are usually taller and woman often have longer hair. Then I took a deep breath and asked him, "What do you think makes someone a man? A good man?"

He waited a moment, but when he opened his mouth, his answer really surprised me.

"Love," he said.

"Really?" I replied. "What do you mean?"

"The good men I know are loving," he said.

"Great!" I said, pleased. "What else?"

"Safe," he said. "The men I know make me feel safe. I think being a man means making the people around you feel safe."

So, be still my heart, and thank you Jesus for the wisdom that my six-year-old has learned from his loving Daddy and the other wonderful men around him who makes him feel safe.

Conference was hosted by Westminster Presbyterian and presented by The Student Outreach on Saturday, January 21, 2016.

What is Family?

My family has always been my world: my parents and sisters, then my husband, and now my sons, too. Growing up, my cousins were my best friends, and Matt and I hope our kids will someday say the same.  I am very close with my Pop-Pop (the last grandparent for me), my in-laws, and several of my aunts and uncles. 

Matt and I are also blessed to have friends that have become another level of family.  (We've already made zombie apocalypse plans with these guys, so look for the band of us in matching t-shirts should the worst happen.)  

All of these people love me, love Matt, and love my children.  They've walked awful roads with us, holding hands, holding me, praying.  They are a united front that keep me from ever thinking, "I'm alone in this."  They make me laugh harder than is really responsible, and trash talk me during board games.  

Family is the central focus of The Senator's Youngest Daughter.  I'm blessed to have written about a loving family, committed parents, and a faithful husband from personal experience.  The truth that many people may see this and wonder if families are still like that... but I assure you, by the grace of Jesus, mine is.  

To be honest, when people say something like, "My family fights, but any of them would take a bullet for me," I sort of cringe.  Is that what love looks like?  I might take a bullet for a stranger in a certain situation, but I wouldn't live in happy, cooperative, supportive relationship with someone I didn't like.  Family should be both -- the sudden, passionate, explosive love that calls you to action and the steady, mundane, just-another-Tuesday plodding love that fits and feels comfortable.