I’ve been a foster parent for almost 7 years now.
I don’t say that to impress you. In our agency, our longevity is hardly impressive. There are families who have foster parented for decades and had untold dozens of children in their care. I’m just telling you that I’ve had some time to reflect on typical conversations.
A friend of mine who is just starting out as a foster parent texted me yesterday.
Any advice on how to respond to people who say things like "you're such an inspiration" "you're such a blessing to her"? I feel like I want to answer/correct with paragraphs which is rarely appropriate the situation so I end up just keeping my mouth shut?!
Since I’ve asked heard this comment repeatedly, kicked myself after missed opportunities, and given more than my share of stumbling, horrible answers, I’m sharing my thoughts somewhat coherently here. Whether I’m equipping another foster parent with a helpful answer or helping someone else know NOT to say this, here is my response to this line of thinking.
But first! Before I get into what I think is a good answer, I want to admit what I think was a spectacular but hilarious failing of my own. Picture me at the gym, sweaty post-workout, and corralling multiple humans, some who look like me and some who do not, toward the door. Someone is wearing their coat backwards, someone has their face in a book (about to walk into a doorframe), and someone just wiped their nose on my shirt. I’m at the gym a lot, so people know me, and people have gotten to know that we are foster parents.
Person: [smiles, waves, touches baby’s cheek] You’re definitely going to heaven for what you do for those kids.
Me: Ahhh. Uhh, ok, I don’t think that’s how that works. [walks off awkwardly chuckling]
Terrible theology aside, there was a chance for me to lovingly direct the person to consider the implication of their comment. Instead, I’ve been kicking myself for weeks. “I don’t think that’s how that works? Come on, Kelley!” [facepalm]
So, is there something WRONG with telling a foster parent they’re ‘a good person’ or ‘an inspiration’?
First, thank you for meaning something good. There are deliberately mean comments you could make, so I’m always going to give you the benefit of the doubt for trying to be positive. But unfortunately, let’s think about what you said. I don’t think you’ll like it.
The implication behind your statement is: That child is an unwanted burden. Even if you didn’t think that when you said it, you don’t look at someone with a delicious chocolate ice cream cone and tell them they’re a good person for eating it. You don’t tell the average person he’s an inspiration; you say that to the person facing cancer. Saying I’m a good person means I’m handling an undesired task so the rest of you don’t have to. And that’s not what I’m doing.
But, wait! You are! Nope. Not a cause. Not a task. You go tell the executive director of our agency that he’s a good person. Go tell the caseworker she’s an inspiration. Go tell the CASA he’s going to heaven. Because they are involved in a cause. I am parenting a child. And children are a gift, made in the image of God. And I’m honored to have whoever God sends me to care for in this home.
So, here’s the good answer I try to formulate when people say this:
“Actually she’s an awesome kid, so we think we’re the lucky ones!”
This gives them a moment to realize they just implied that a child (who is often standing right in front of them) was some form of hardship, a burden. Something society needs cleaned up. From experience, I’ve seen this response can change their perspective without correcting them, and sometimes they actually offer a follow-up that’s more appropriate.
Be impressed when people fight for a cause. In fact, become a CASA! Raise money for a foster care agency! Be that good person! But if you’re talking to me, I consider what I’m doing a privilege. You don’t need to thank me, be impressed by me, be inspired by me, or think I’m a good person. In fact, it’s so great! Let me talk to you about why you should pray about being a foster parent, too.
